“Ricky Gervais” [as David Brent] : Morning, Tim! Tim Bowler, Timbory-Tim, Timbory, Tim, Timbory Tim, Timboree! What are you doing?
“Martin”: Oh, er, you know, I’m just, you know, er … gazing despairingly at the camera like a perplexed hamster, as is my duty as the put-upon everyman character.
“Ricky Gervais” [as David Brent]: Well, well, you know, just to whisper in your shell-like [?] *laughs raucously* - the new guy starts today. I said you could show him the ropes.
“Martin”: Fine, er … when’s he coming?
“Benedict”: [Sherlock voice] I’ve been observing you from the reception area for the last half an hour. That is to say, I’m already here. Don’t feel bad for not noticing me sooner. When I stand very still and don’t speak, I can easily be mistaken for an incredibly ornate and attractive hat stand. The kind you find in an antique shop that doesn’t have any price tags. Don’t touch - you can’t afford. Hello.
“Martin”: Good … er … yeah, good gracious. Erm, what are you?
“Benedict”: My name is long and ridiculous, like my face. They call me Benedict Cumberbatch.
*fairy tale harp chords* [medieval choral chant] Ben-ne-dict Cum-ber-baaatch!
“Benedict”: Don’t worry, that always happens.
“Martin”: Uh, OK, right, yeah. Um, OK, well, so, let’s give you the tour. Well, we’ve got, you know, the photocopier here …
“Benedict”: Pish, posh, and Duchy biscuits. You don’t think I actually care about your tedious office, do you?
“Martin”: Well, no, but I sort of imagined you’re here because -
“Benedict”: Oh, you beautifully obtuse little turnip of a man. I’m here because after Sherlock and the Hobbit, I’m now contractually obliged to appear in everything you ever do, shall do, have done, have so much as considered doing – don’t you understand, we go together like bangers and mash, like cream tea and scones, like a put-upon everyman character actor and a big posh flamboyant manic pixie dream boy with cheekbones you could balance a BAFTA on.
Is it a man? Is it several hyper-intelligent cats sitting on one another’s shoulders wearing a latex man-suit? Or is it an incredibly sexy horse that’s learned to walk on its hind legs and talk very very very fast?
“Martin”: Um … sorry, could you repeat all that please?
“Benedict”: No time, get down with me beneath this desk.
“Martin”: Why? Is there someone going to try to kill us or something? Or …
“Benedict”: [dramatic low voice] No, we just need to get uncomfortably close to one other and gaze homoerotically into each other’s eyes. Can you feel the tension? Can you? Can you … do you want to give me a little kiss? Oh you mustn’t - I’m an alabaster Adonis, don’t touch me!
“Martin”: Um, yeah, OK. Erm, bit weird, er … but still, less annoying than that Gervais guy. Erm, look, erm … how much longer is this going to go on for?
“Benedict”: For the rest of your life.
“Benedict”: Now, if you don’t mind, I have to exit dramatically through a window or something, for no reason other than it looks fantastic. Goodbye for now, put-upon everyman character actor. Remember my name.
“Martin”: *sighs* Ahhhh - I’ll never forget you, Bumblebee Cuttlefish!